Swimsuit Strategy

I am a freakin’ genius.  Summer just officially started and I’ve finally figured out how to hit the pool in a bikini and rest assured no one is staring at my boobs that are too big, or my cellulite that is too obvious.  Here’s the great part, should you have those problems…..YOU can do it too.

It’s called distraction.  I hopped in the tub to do the shave thing, (Blonde hair glistens in the sun and though it reminds me of diamonds, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t turn anyone else on!) and noticed that I finally had something to offer a  horrified crowd BESIDES my 46-year old carcass…..take a look.

No I’m not looking for compliments here, though I have always heard my chicken legs were one of my best assets (I think Stephanie Bergmann was the first to tell me they were chicken legs!!)  look a little closer at my incredible COLOR.  I mean colors, and I’m not referring to the tan. That whomping bruise happened a few days ago, but just appeared TODAY.  The one day I have pool time.   I have been complaining about the pain of the damn thing for days, but every one looked at me like I was pathetic because it wasn’t very impressive, until now.  So how did I do this?   I slipped in the bathtub.      Really, I had one leg in and one leg out and BOOOM smashed the side of my leg into the tile edge…..I cried inside then whined to all my friends how I couldn’t even put my legs together (please refrain from commenting)….I mean at night I couldn’t lay on my side because it would press on my hemmorhage.

So today, as I hit the pool with my friend Jennifer Sebits (KSN fans would remember her as Reporter Jennifer Pruitt, now a stay-at-home mom) and her kids I’m gonna flash that bruise like a badge of honor, knowing fully well I have all of about 10 seconds to lay my fat fanny down before the gaze shifts to my other “areas”.    But I’m not worried, I can do a lot in 10 seconds and WAIT, I just found I have something else to offer if you’re into scabs….apparently I was shaving with an old razor.  Okay, I guess genius was stretching it.